i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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