I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
