nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
