Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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