Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
