woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
