As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
