i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
