I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
