If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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