I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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