Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
