Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
