So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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