nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
