i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
