Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
