giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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