i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
