I'm lost and stupid without you.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
