Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
