I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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