i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
