Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
