I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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