Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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