I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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