Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
