Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs