I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
