I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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