I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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