new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
