please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
