Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
