Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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