New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
