I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
