my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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