Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
