Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i've created a new STD.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
