I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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