You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
