I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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