sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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