I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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