He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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