Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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