Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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