seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
