fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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