Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
