apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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