I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
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You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
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