Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
