$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
