everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
