She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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