I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
