My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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