Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
