Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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