theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
