i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
