Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
