I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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